2003-05-22T06:52:00.000-07:00

i'm not used to this "parting" thing, to tell you the truth, i want to close my eyes and let you leave.....i know i'm strong, i know i'm smart...but i don't want to know you're going to leave
soon...

i've been a melodramatic person once in a while, just like now, so this is going to be a mushy letter to start off. i'm listening to hands to heaven to make it much worse... i'm crying, as always. this is so.....just me. i don't have anything about your leaving i just...i don't know what to do and ought to say. i'm so loss for words....

" as i watch move, across the moonlit room, there's so much tenderness in your loving tomorrow i must leave, the dawn knows no reprieve, God give me strength when i am leaving.... "

im so hurt. im so affected. im so pathetic.

" as we move to embrace, tears running down your face i whisper words of love so softly, i can't believe this pain, it's driving me insane, without your touch, life would be so lonely..."

i can't promise you anything, and i won't, cuz if ever that promise won't materialize it'll hurt us both, maybe we should be contented on what we are now, you don't have to say..."i'll be back"...i'm happy cuz i know on that somewhat part of my life ive met someone great and caring like you...you'll be missed.

" tonight i need your sweet caress, hold me in the darkness, tonight you'll calm my restlessness, you relieve my sadness..."

i love i love this song...of course i won't mind if like i'm going to share....

---
.walking after you.

tonight im tangled in my blanket of clouds / dreaming aloud / things won't do without you / matter of fact / i'm on your back / if you walk out on me / im walking after you / if you walk out on me / im walking after you / if you'd accept to surrender / i'll give up some more / weren't you adored / i cannot be without you / matter of fact / if you walk out on me/ im walking after you / if you walk out on me/ im walking after you / another heart is cracked in two / im on your back / i cannot be without you / matter of fact / if you walk out on me / im walking after you / if you walk out on me / im walking after you

++ sounds creepy but I love it, just like the way I love you….

---
argh, i dont know what im talking about anymore

2003-05-22T05:32:00.000-07:00

hi bebe, i know you're reading my blog. darn, this is not a secret anymore :(

well, it's ok. love you

2003-05-16T04:09:00.000-07:00

got 3 interviews :D:D yay! ;)

2003-05-09T02:39:00.000-07:00

my old posts
Friday, 02 May, 2003
08:15:56 PM

let me start off by saying im really pissed i haven't got any interview offers for today. and it kinda sucks especially when i'm pretty confident that i'll get in at least one of the eleven companies i've been eyeing for. i guess this is just my luck. i'm so tired of being stuck here @home. i so want to go in manila but i still have that civil service professional examination. ugh. im quite irritated by those questions @jobstreet, being a clerk now requires to define his/her standard of success. give me a break but is it really needed? ugh. it felt as if i'm applying on those ceo-corporate levels. one thing i observed though is they keep to run those questions over and over again, it's like they picked up some questions without even thinking what the position really requires. enough of my rant. no one listens to me anyway.

i really miss my boyfriend ryan. and it's painful already. i know i have to sacrifice for us, for him but is this what i really want in my life? is this what im headed for? i know he'll think i'm having those dementia attacks but sometimes it feels as if i'm only one who sacrifices for us. argh, i just love him too much that's why im letting this happen.

it's not i'm like this before. i am not like this before. truly, love changes everyone, everything. i just don't know if this is for the best.

xoxo.

****
12:13:08 AM
i'm talking to my rr, and we're getting pretty intimate. i've just accomplished questions that needs compulsary answers. :P well, i guess i did ok. it's not something that i'll pat myself in the back. but at least, they were real. :P they contain the real me.

my background music is from kelly rowland, her "stole" song and i just remembered first time i saw the video, i really cried. i dont know, it just hit me. and now, i just realized kelly is really crying in the video. oh well. the song is sad. but i like her. i think i like her more than beyounce.

another song that made into some softtearygirl is through the rain by mariah carey, i know the video sucks. but again, it made me cry the first time i've heard it. it's the lyrics i guess.

i know this is a trivial thing but i bought carefree's barely there and i really like it. (used it today) and it's true, it's barely there. :P

ok, i'll concentrate on my bf's sexy messages now. >:))

---

watching pearl harbor right now, i'm starting to get mad with the japs again. i know i know, i can't get over it. i should get over it. it's stupid but, ok. enough of that.

been talking to ryan thru text non-stop, we should know our limits or else, we might end up not talking for weeks. argh, money and the lack of it.

my brothers are having the times of their lives. just sitting, relaxing in their backs and eating the popular stik-o snack while watching pearl harbor (our newly purchased cd) they are so peaceful and quiet, concentrating with the movie, not a care in the world. i used to be like this before, see what graduation can do to you? i can't relax anymore because everyone expects me to get a job. i expect myself to get a job pretty pretty soon. and what baffles me, can't seem to know the reason why.

all my good friends are now in manila, one has her job, another still finding her luck. i am too, just through automatons. argh, that civil service exam is stopping me like i don't know, i just want to get over and done with it, please advance the date to may 7. i just can't wait any longer. :c

the boyfriend said that i can browse through a lot of jobs @manila bulletin, sunday edition. can't wait 'till sunday.

please God, let me have a job. please.

and i like josh harnett more. there's nothing wrong with ben affleck really, i just can't stand his overmushiness with j.lo. don't even make me start with her video jenny from the block. :P in my opinion, it's too fake

i like them both as an individual, not a couple. there's something lacking between them. and i don't have the time to know what. psss..
---

can't wait to have a job in manila, not only for malls but heaps and heaps of booksale outlets! yes, i'm a cheapskate and i'm proud that i am. where in the world you could get a sue townsend-adrian mole for gd 50 pesos! of course in booksale! my boyfriend knew this addiction of mine so when he got in manila and roamed the malls, he texted me, "be, ang daming booksale dito sa manila!!!(be, there's a lot of booksales here in manila!!!)" hehehe. he really knew me that much, well he should, our dates in malls consist 90% of me rummaging the piles of books in booksale. :P during our last date, i purchased fannie flagg's fried green tomato and the whistle stop cafe and one from the kids section (but i believe it shouldn't be there) all the things i need to know i learned from my cat. :P i love fannie flagg with passion. i already have her daisy fay, welcome to the world baby girl, and now the fried green tomato! can't wait to see the movie. what's so great with her that every character from her books seem to be connected with her other books. she made you feel you're also part of the book. i still have one more book of her to go that's why i.have.to.be.in.manila.asap. :P

---

i guess i'm getting fat again. i guess i just gained 2 freaking kilos. i used to weigh 50 kls (around 110 lbs), um, is that normal for a 5'5 1/2", 20 year old gal? :D. my boyfriend is trying really hard to convince me im sexy but can't help to envious with those flat tummy, skin and bones gals, they look so great in clothes kasi. anyway, got a great piece of *** and ***** (hahahaha) so i shouldn't be complaining. sexy, i guess, it's all in the mind.

---

i just checked, it's fried green tomatoes. :D tomatoes, tomatoes. not fried green tomato, it's fried green tomatoes. im such a dummy. :P

what's with heart evangelista screaming/shrieking her brains out (and annoying the hell out of me!) in her my myx. shit.

so tomorrow, i'll try to find my luck using the classified ads of manila bulletin (so help me God). this job hunt whatever is so frustrating. here in our mountainous province, im one hell of a big deal, strutting my stuff with confidence and grace (remembering college years) then bam! nothing. i feel absolutely nothing. argh, this is so frustrating. arghh.

----
i know me and my lack of patience. i just applied last monday. :P why, can't give them time to review my resume. im so impatient. ugh. anyway, i just won't give up. ok i won't. i'm still hopeful. but IM TELLING A LIE RIGHT NOW SO DISREGARD WHAT I JUST HAVE SAID EARLIER.

---
blah.

---
i don't want in any way use my father's connection. i know, if i go to daddy i'll be sitting pretty in one office, munching crackers and whatnot. but no, i won't able to prove myself there right? i just can't imagine going to office everyday having my co-workers blab about how i got the job in my back or their exchange of opinions how i was so unfit for the job requirement. i can't stand people making those guilt trip. it'll kill me for sure. and cmon, i know if ever i got in that way, i bet my life they're going to do that.

---

i swear, i can only manage to hear daniel bedingfield on radio/mp3s, it'll kill me to see his video. i cant stand him with that lovesickpuppylook in his self-centered video. i should quit watching tv. it's not healthy anymore. blech.

i thought he was killed when he was making some helpless impression in his video,he literally fell flat on his face. i know that thing isn't supposed to be funny, but that made me laugh. i mean, what's the point of doing some matrix stuff huh? no one can beat neo, fool! :P don't make me start with his gotta get through this music video, is he doing some OA manly stuffs or is it just me? and boy, did he dance there? i haven't finished the video because i just.cant.really.stand.it. sooo freaking techno bullshit.
i never thought music videos can consume me.
---

on my teenybooperish side, i kinda miss mandy moore. end of my shameful side.

---

wondering again, where are my exes now? i wish half of them are dead while im writing this stuff. just kidding, i just wish they are/were badly hurt or something. NOT. hehehe.

i hope they are happy as i am right now because i am really giddy happyyyyyyyyy. (coz im not with them anymore. yay!!!)

man, i can be so mean. :P

----
i just finished the webpage containing our pics. *faints*

----
looking at my resume makes me feel so depressed. argh. and i miss my boyfriend very much. double arghhh
---

Saturday, May 03, 2003
09:53:45 PM

im missing my boyfriend right now. i just can't handle this anymore. i shouldn't be alone in here, typing nonsense. i should be talking to him, or atleast i knew he'll call later because we both know that i/we can't sleep without talking to each other....

maybe i haven't adjusted with our set-up. it's been 7 wonderful months of talking to him. EVERYDAY. so tell me, how can i ever survive now?

i miss him so much my body trembles. can't deal with this withdrawal shit.

i need him to hug me right now and tell me we're doing just fine and we'll make it through. im so paranoid i need reassurance everyday. argh.

----
there's no good movies to watch, cable sucks now. i can't watch serendipity also, it's too bland for me now. what a night im having right now. such luck.

good thing is, i have something to look forward to tomorrow, manila bulletin classified ads.

john mayer is making me cry in heaps again. this sob trip isn't helping me, really.

.... our love was comfortable, so broken in

i really need to study for my civil service exam. have to. TOMORROW AFTERNOON. PROMISE.

i better shut my eyeballs now. sleep.

2003-05-09T02:29:00.000-07:00

test. i miss the boyfriend so much. :c

somewhere in between